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🎄The Hater's Guide to Christmas Hoops
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🎄The Hater's Guide to Christmas Hoops

The Grinch gets ahold of STL's megaphone. Plus, what does your team want for Christmas?

Dec 25, 2021
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OPENING TIP

The usual way of comparing basketball teams is to look at the players on Team A, and the players on Team B, and decide which players are better.

But maybe that’s wrong. League-wide COVID outbreaks have led teams to fill their rosters with 10-day emergency signings in order to avoid cancelations, including the likes of 40-year-old “Iso Joe” Johnson, Brandon Knight, Wes Iwundu, Emmanuel Mudiay, and Jordan Schakel. Not ideal!

The Replacements (2000) - IMDb
Lace up your Jordans, Keanu, you’re going in.

Rather than dwell on what are likely to be five nigh-unwatchable games on Christmas today, we thought it would be more fun (and perhaps more useful) to focus on who we wouldn’t see. Thus, we give you:

THE BEST LINEUPS YOU WON’T SEE ON CHRISTMAS

  • 12:00 p.m.: Knicks vs. Hawks (ESPN)

    vs.

    This would be an entertaining game to watch! The Hawks are missing most of their starting lineup from last season’s playoffs against the Knicks, while the Knicks are missing a starter and three key reserves. We think the Not-Hawks have a slight edge.

  • 2:30 p.m.: Bucks vs. Celtics (ABC)

    vs.

A couple of big lineups with power forwards playing out of position all over the place. The Celtics are “hurt” by having most of their best guys healthy. We think it’s a cakewalk for the Not-Bucks.

  • 5:00 p.m.: Suns vs. Warriors (ABC)

    vs.

    Not a fair fight. Somehow the Suns only have three unhealthy players, one of whom tore his ACL before the season. The quality of the Not-Warriors highlights how impressive their season has been despite not having Thompson or Wiseman all year. (Okay, maybe missing Wiseman hasn’t hurt them that much…)

  • 8:00 p.m.: Lakers vs. Nets (ABC and ESPN)

    vs.

    While the Lakers would use the above list to complain about their misfortune and justify their middling record, only one of those guys makes more than $5M per season and he’s barely missed any games yet. The Nets, on the other hand, haven’t had their erstwhile third best player all season yet are still at the top of the East. The Not-Nets take this easily.

  • 10:30 p.m.: Jazz vs. Mavericks (ESPN)

    vs.

    Another unfair fight! The Mavs lineup could brawl with anyone; while KP is healthy, the Mavs are otherwise putting up a playoff closing lineup out there, while the Jazz are just missing a couple of G-Leaguers.

Overall, we have the top three Not-Lineups as

  1. Hawks (just edging the Mavs due to the Hawks win in their matchup earlier this year)

  1. Warriors (Klay and Poole’s shooting, Wiggins and Iggy’s defense, and Wiseman’s… youth… )

  1. Nets (Kyrie + KD. Nuff said.)

It would be tempting to feel despondent watching Delon Wright try to break down Dameyan Dotson this afternoon, but remember: COVID is a temporary phenomenon. We’ll be on the other side of it any day now… right?

Please get vaccinated and/or boosted!

TWEET OF THE WEEK

Ms. Fitz gets buckets. Look at this shit.

Twitter avatar for @cbcsportsCBC Sports @cbcsports
A moment those kids will never forget 🥰 Third grade teacher Ms. Fitz promised her class hot chocolate if she made this shot ☕️ Way to go, Ms. Fitz! 🎥: htsgeorgetown/IG

December 23rd 2021

17,481 Retweets118,939 Likes

Not to get all Zapruder or anything, but we have to point out a few things.

  • Rudolph dropping dimes. Maybe he got in the lab and focused on passing drills after being left out of all of those reindeer games.

  • The kids chanting “Again! Again!” at the start of the video. She’s done this before. Which also explains the hushed awe and she steps into the jumper.

  • She knew it was cash. Look at how she leaves her shooting hand up. She’s used to making it rain out there.

The only downside is that we’ll see Ms. Fitz coming a mile away when she asks to play for money at the park. Enjoy that hot chocolate, kids.


STL INVESTIGATES: CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

As we have noticed, basketball is not… amazing… right now. With lineups like this actual team that the Bucks recently ran out:

You’ve really never heard of Sandro "Do you Shvili want to hurt me?" Mamukelashvili? Well, no worries, he’s in COVID protocols!

NBA teams, and those of us who like watching them, could use some Christmas cheer. And so we thought we’d put together a quick list of what we would get each NBA franchise this Christmas season.

  • Atlanta Hawks - Games that only last three quarters

  • Boston Celtics - Team building exercises

  • Chicago Bulls - More headbands

  • Denver Nuggets - Spare Parts.  A lot of them.

  • Toronto Raptors - More global warming

  • Orlando Magic - An offense

  • Portland Trail Blazers - A defense

  • Detroit Pistons - Both

  • Washington Wizards - Bullets

  • Charlotte Hornets - Relevance

  • Milwaukee Bucks - Extra large shoes for KD

  • Los Angeles Clippers - Good health for Russell Westbrook

  • Cleveland Cavaliers - Some Minutes for Tacko Fall

  • New York Knicks - A rest

  • Indiana Pacers - Finishing school for Coaches

  • Phoenix Suns - A new HR department

  • Memphis Grizzlies - A moving van?

  • Houston Rockets - Daryl Morey

  • Minnesota Timberwolves - A checkbook

  • Utah Jazz - A publicist

  • Brooklyn Nets - A scientist

  • Philadelphia 76ers - A therapist

  • Sacramento Kings - An exorcist

  • Los Angeles Lakers - A time machine

  • Dallas Mavericks - A Jenny Craig Membership

  • New Orleans Pelicans - A Jenny Craig Membership

  • Oklahoma City Thunder - A stiff drink

  • Golden State Warriors - Nothing

Merry Christmas everyone!


AT THE BUZZER

  • Joe Johnson rejoins the Celtics, 20 years after they drafted him. We love this aside from Woj that Red Auerbach (!) helped draft him. (ESPN)

  • Steph Curry record-breaking NFT collection (FTX)

  • Dyal investing in the Hawks at a $2B valuation. More institutional capital heading to the NBA (more from us on this here) (Twitter)

  • This routine caught this dancer off-guard. Awww. (Reddit)

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