✉️Three letters
A parable for La La Land. Plus, STL investigates a hot NBA fashion trend and more.
OPENING TIP
After he was hired to replace Magic Johnson, Rob Pelinka showed up for work on his first day at the Staples Center. In his new office, he found a handwritten note from Magic Johnson, his predecessor, along with three sealed envelopes.1
The note read:
Rob -
Congratulations on this opportunity. You are a steward of a legacy that means so much to millions of people. I wish you great success. Whenever you get into a tight spot, open one of these letters.
Your friend -
Magic
After the underwhelming 2018-2019 season, grumbling over the Lakers’ inability to bring a second star to LA grew and grew. Some columnists began calling for Pelinka’s head. Looking to forestall disaster, Pelinka opened the first letter. It said:
Trade everything for Anthony Davis
Never one to spend much time in pensive contemplation, Pelinka immediately called Pelicans GM David Griffin and brokered a deal to ship out basically every Lakers asset for Davis save Kyle Kuzma (too handsome).
And he was rewarded: the Lakers won the bubble championship in 2020, and there was much rejoicing.
The Lakers’ success got to Pelinka’s head. He was a genius! Here was the proof! And he began to freelance: signing Montrezl Harrell, rather than a three and D wing. Casting aside Marc Gasol for Andre Drummond. Trading the farm for Russell Westbrook.
Suddenly, all was not well. The Lakers were treading water, Russ was turning the ball over and missing rotations with abandon, and his two stars were unhappy. Pelinka retreated to his office and opened the second letter. It read:
Fire Frank Vogel
Unblinking, Pelinka called Vogel into his office, delivered the news, and began looking up David Fizdale’s phone number. But it was no use; the Lakers limped into playoffs as an eight seed and were dispatched summarily by the Suns, with Russ averaging 11.2 points, 10.6 rebounds, 9.56 assists, and 7.8 turnovers per game for the series. Fans gathered outside the Crypt after the series to burn Pelinka’s picture in effigy; his children were pariahs at school; back-ironed Russ jumpers haunted his dreams. The next morning, he snuck into his office and opened the third letter. It was short:
Sit down, and write three letters…
TWEET OF THE WEEK
As all our readers know, we love a good 2x2 matrix. Top left is where you want to be in this one. Future looking bright for Memphis, Cleveland, Toronto and Minny.
STL INVESTIGATES: TROUSERS
Basketball has changed dramatically in the last century, with each successive generation lamenting that the game is becoming unrecognizable. But it’s hard to deny just how different the game looks of late.
Take this picture of an Eastern Conference battle between the Hawks and Celtics. Notice anything different?
So did we: Not a single guy on the floor is wearing compression pants!
Of late, these pants (whatever you want to call them - tights, compression pants, testosterousers) are de rigeuer.
It’s gotten so out of hand that an STL Analytics breakdown of Team Meggings vs Team Au Naturale is a hilarious mismatch.
MEGGINGS
PG - Steph Curry / Dame Lillard
SG - Luka Doncic / Devin Booker
SF - LeBron James / Jimmy Butler
PF - Giannis Antetokounmpo / Kevin Durant
C - Nikola Jokic / Joel Embiid
Vs.
AU NATURALE
PG - Chris Paul / Darius Garland
SG - Bradley Beal / Tyrese Haliburton
SF - Kawhi Leonard / Miles Bridges
PF - John Collins / Andrew Wiggins
C - Jakob Poeltl / Clint Capela
We have our money on Team Meggings, and it isn’t close. And perhaps it’s not surprising. The purported benefits of compression pants include improved blood flow, improved balance, decreased muscle fatigue, increased jumping ability, sweat wicking, and of course prevention of varicose veins. In fact, maybe the real question is, why you aren’t wearing any right now?
King James would certainly like to know. He recently collaborated with Nike on a line of compression clothing, and not long after was entirely coincidentally photographed working out in them on his yacht in southern Italy.
So it may seem like the takeover of compression pants is inevitable. However, there may be a complication!
It’s widely agreed that Jerry Stackhouse is the OG of pants on a basketball court. He started wearing them around 2006, as persistent leg injuries threatened to derail his career. They did, but not before others, notably Allen Iverson and A$AP Rocky, decided they were cool. That was enough for the NBA, which, fresh off the Malice in the Palace, was eager to distance itself from anything that white fans might be confused by. Wearing pants or tights was banned.
And, according to an STL investigation, that ban has never been officially rescinded. That’s right, it would appear that 90% of the League’s All-NBA players are violating league rules every time they step on the court! We have filed a complaint with the league office and will keep our readers appraised as we get to the bottom of this rapidly unfolding news event.
AT THE BUZZER
Suns creating a confidential hot line in the fallout of the Sarver investigation (ESPN)
Top Shot, one year later: no one cares (Athletic, $)
New format for Rising Stars game (Shams via Twitter)
Jake Fischer investigates why Harden may be interested in a trade to Philly (Bleacher Report)
John Stockton is f***ing crazy (The Spokesman-Review)
Astute readers may have seen this parable before. General Landry in the 2000 movie Traffic told a version of it, which appeared in a syndicated column by Drew Pearson way back in 1960. It goes without saying that blaming this mess on Vogel is absurd. Maybe last night’s win will convince Pelinka to keep the letters in the drawer.